anguish

I lay awake last night, feeling badly that I hadn’t written a post since early last week. I promised you and myself, at the beginning, if I didn’t feel a topic almost bubbling up inside of me, I would write nothing. Well, the only thing that has been bubbling up inside of me is emptiness. Last night, I realized that this was something all of us wrestle with and don’t know where to turn.

I don’t know the cause of this feeling, but prayer seems out of the question.  Emptiness, sadness, loneliness, I would even say despair or depression (but these words seem too harsh, so I will just say being dismayed).  Trying to appear like nothing is wrong, only heightens the situation, because then seeking help, or asking questions about it becomes a moot point.  It is like I am adrift in a huge ocean, with no land in sight, no idea of which direction to go, and no one to ask.

 As I said, earlier, prayer seems out of the question. To say prayers at this time, would feel like a pretense. And yet, I know that Christ loves me, and is aware of my plight. So why do I feel abandoned? His love is there, is always there. I believe this, I know this. So, what barriers am I putting up, unconsciously? Why don’t I feel the warmth of His gaze?

I don’t know the answers to these questions. I am not sure I will be able to discover what the barriers are. I don’t know if this is what spiritual writers mean when they speak about the Dark Night of the Soul. I can only trust in the Lord. Trust Him to help me chip away at the barriers, so that eventually, light will shine through once more.

It is times like this, that all I have is my belief in Christ. I know He walked this earth. I know He died for me, and forgave me my sins. I know He rose from the dead, proving Himself to be Lord over all of nature. I know He loves me. I know this His love is a caring love. So with all these beliefs, these truths, how can I not trust Him?  I lay myself before you Lord, sorry for whatever barriers I have placed between us. I trust and believe that you will turn your face towards me and I will once again feel the beauty that is You, the serenity, the hope, the joy.

 To whoever is reading this: I hope this helps you in some way. I am sure you must have felt these things at some time in your life. What did you do?

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